Never fitting in....

You know what really sucks? Never really ever fitting in. My whole life, I have never really fit in.  Even back in school, because of changing schools in 3rd and 7th grade. I was always on the outside of any of the groups. I have had 2 or 3 close friends, but that's it. Even out of the 6 bridesmaids I only really talk to one of them regularly and she is my sister. I still considered all of them my friends, but none of them call to see how I am doing. So I guess I am not there friend anymore.
I thought once my boys were in school I would find some mommy friends. But I just missed the boat on that too. They all had older kids and had known each other for a few years before we started there.   There is a great group of ladies at school that I am always just on the outside of, due to my own depression and anxiety I miss school functions. I don't blame them,  why would anyone want to be friends with someone who says they will be there and then cancels. 
Now that I am working full time, it's basically out of the question to even go.  Then on the nights I can do something I am not invited anyway.
It really sucks to feel like if I wasnt here no one would miss me.

Not today

I am so depressed and sad. I really feel sometimes that I would be better off away from everyone.  Not that anyone cares if I weren't around. I don't have any friends. Not really anyway. Maybe I am just meant to be alone. Yes I have Butch and the kids but noone that I can call and hang out with. Noone ever calls me either. Out of sight I guess. It's probably better anyway, I don't really like myself, so why would anyone else want to be around me.

Friends....

Sometimes I really wish I had friends. Friends that really cared about me. I mean I have friends, but not ones that call or text just to say hi, or to invite me to go out. Especially to go out. I have friends online that I can talk to, but noone close.
Tonight I wanted to go to a playoff hockey game, but no one in my family wanted to go.  I sat and thought and I have absolutely no one that I could call to go with me.  I wish I had one person I could call.
I have given up. They have given up on me. I know they have. I used to show up and then life happened and got in the way.  I think my depression is rearing it's ugly head. I think Butch is depressed too, but he won't ever admit it.  We don't go out, we don't have friends.  We have each other and most of the times that's enough, but sometimes I wish I had friends.