Never fitting in....

You know what really sucks? Never really ever fitting in. My whole life, I have never really fit in.  Even back in school, because of changing schools in 3rd and 7th grade. I was always on the outside of any of the groups. I have had 2 or 3 close friends, but that's it. Even out of the 6 bridesmaids I only really talk to one of them regularly and she is my sister. I still considered all of them my friends, but none of them call to see how I am doing. So I guess I am not there friend anymore.
I thought once my boys were in school I would find some mommy friends. But I just missed the boat on that too. They all had older kids and had known each other for a few years before we started there.   There is a great group of ladies at school that I am always just on the outside of, due to my own depression and anxiety I miss school functions. I don't blame them,  why would anyone want to be friends with someone who says they will be there and then cancels. 
Now that I am working full time, it's basically out of the question to even go.  Then on the nights I can do something I am not invited anyway.
It really sucks to feel like if I wasnt here no one would miss me.

Not today

I am so depressed and sad. I really feel sometimes that I would be better off away from everyone.  Not that anyone cares if I weren't around. I don't have any friends. Not really anyway. Maybe I am just meant to be alone. Yes I have Butch and the kids but noone that I can call and hang out with. Noone ever calls me either. Out of sight I guess. It's probably better anyway, I don't really like myself, so why would anyone else want to be around me.

Friends....

Sometimes I really wish I had friends. Friends that really cared about me. I mean I have friends, but not ones that call or text just to say hi, or to invite me to go out. Especially to go out. I have friends online that I can talk to, but noone close.
Tonight I wanted to go to a playoff hockey game, but no one in my family wanted to go.  I sat and thought and I have absolutely no one that I could call to go with me.  I wish I had one person I could call.
I have given up. They have given up on me. I know they have. I used to show up and then life happened and got in the way.  I think my depression is rearing it's ugly head. I think Butch is depressed too, but he won't ever admit it.  We don't go out, we don't have friends.  We have each other and most of the times that's enough, but sometimes I wish I had friends.

Why is it that people feel....

that it's ok, to yell at me, when I am just trying to help....What the fuck! Seriously, maybe I am just over feeling and over thinking and over being right now.
I have always been genuine, or at least I think I am. Maybe everyone else is right and I am just as fake and hypocritical as everyone else. I was taught to be respectful of others feelings.  I guess no one else has been taught to have manners. I just want to give up and not care anymore. It's all crap!
No one asks about me, how I am doing.  No one knows all of the crap that I am going through. No one cares. They all pretend to be my friends, but everyone has their own things going on.  Honestly I shouldn't worry, if they can't worry about me, then I really shouldn't worry about them.  I guess it's all fake friends. It still feels like I am in High School. I hated every minute of that mess.  No one knew, no one cared then either. I am just as insecure and broken as I was then, but no one knows.  It really doesn't matter anyway.
I have a big convention coming up in a few weeks and currently I am having a ton of anxiety about the whole thing. There are 'friends' I am going to meet for the first time, that I have known for 10 years and I still feel like I won't be at the cool kids table. I know it shouldn't matter, but fuck, things like this really scare me. I have never been strong enough not to care and be myself.

Easy

It's easy to put on a brave face. It's easy to think that people don't judge. It's easy to pretend it doesn't hurt when you find out the truth. It's easy to think everything is ok. It's easy to be truthful, really but it's not, is it? Why do you treat people differently? Shouldn't you treat people the same? It's easy to say that you will. It's easy not to do that isn't it? it's easy to think it doesn't matter, that no one will notice. It is noticed. It's easy to just not care anymore.

Twitter...

....never thought that I would get a twitter...but I went ahead and did it.  It is thoroughly confusing, but I did it in hopes of promoting the business.  Hopefully something will come of it.  If you twitter, you can follow us....

WOW....

Just realizing that it has been 6 months since I have even logged into this...not surprising with as busy as we have been.  Starting in May we started Markets at Metro Health, then shows almost every weekend through now. Markets at FSAM on Sundays. We are going to Dayton for a show this weekend then to Cleveland in two weeks.  That's pretty much the end of out of town shows for this year.  It was a mildly successful year art wise. 

Tomorrow.... :-(

My baby boy will be three!! I can't believe that it's been three years already! I feel like he was just a tiny little baby, yesterday. In the last three years we have moved three times. He got a new brother and his grandad is now living with us. He is so big now, well he isn't big, but he is finally growing. He is weighing in at 27 pounds on most days and he is 35 inches. He grew 1/2 inch in three months!!! I am so happy that he is finally growing. Today we have his final ortho appointment, hopefully. This past December I noticed that his left eye started to cross, and given his family history, I decided to take him into the Ophthalmologist. Sure enough he is farsighted and he got glasses. I was sad at first, but my kid looks so cute in glasses.